Rockin’ Quote #34: Know When to Walk Away

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It’s been awhile since I posted a quote of the week. This quote “know when to walk away…” is piggy backing off of my last post When a Romantic Relationship Affects Your Mental Health. I spoke a little bit about my suspicions of my ex-boyfriend possibly having a mental illness. I also spoke about how he always shut me down with every suggestion I would make about getting help.

Reading over it though, it occurred to me that I didn’t really talk about one huge reason I felt I had to walk away from him. I want to talk about this because if there is a reader out there who feels they need to stay with someone in order to help that person, please consider all of your options first.

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If you’re anything like me, you don’t like to give up on the ones you love. You may also be what I call, a fixer. If I have a problem or if someone I love has a problem, I like to find a solution to that problem. I can’t tell you why I’m like this. Maybe it’s because I am the oldest of four. Maybe it has to do with my childhood and how I grew up. Or maybe I was just born this way.

The point is this: Because I have a fixer type of personality and I hate giving up on people, I don’t always know when to walk away. But years of therapy and much, MUCH self-reflection have helped me to see that sometimes I really do need to walk away from a negative or toxic person. I have to for my own benefit.

Sometimes I struggle with this because I wonder if I’m being selfish. I was told constantly as a kid that I was selfish. You know how kids are. When I wouldn’t let my little brother play with me and my barbies because he was my annoying little brother. Or when I was called a selfish bitch as a teenager because of whatever I wrote in my diary that day.

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I talked in my last post about my depression while in that relationship. There were days when I wouldn’t even get out of bed. My kids noticed the very obvious change in me. I have struggled with depression my whole life. However, for the past two years I have been doing very well in spite of that.

I was very active and very involved with my children’s schools. I was writing every day, either in my blog or working on other projects. Then I met someone and while the honeymoon phase can be expected to take one away from the world a little bit, it went deeper than that.

Then there was me trying to help him. I wanted to fix his problems. Except he didn’t want to fix his problems. When I think about it, I know its because he isn’t ready. You really do have to be ready to take that journey into self-improvement and healing. NO ONE CAN DO IT FOR YOU. Remember that.

walkaway_rockinrandommomThe second part of my quote, “Be strong enough to stay away” is what tends to be a problem for so many people. To walk away is one thing but when you really care for someone, staying away is a different story. Because I wanted so much to help him, even after we broke up, I wanted to remain friends. 

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The problem with remaining friends with an unhealthy person though is that you get pulled back into their world. You get pulled back into their darkness. Before I knew it, I was right back where I was before. I knew then that in order for me to be healthy I had to walk away completely.

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I had to think about myself and my boys. There were also questions about what we had in common. We didn’t have a whole lot. Video games were the most prominent. He didn’t take interest in any of my interests yet kept “strongly recommending” his interests. Even gaming stopped being fun after a while because if he wasn’t constantly jokingly insulting my gaming, then he was criticizing the game itself and after awhile that just stopped being fun.

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This also applies to those who find themselves in abusive relationships. Most people stay out of fear but many stay because they believe they can “fix” their partner. Remember what I said earlier? They have to WANT to fix it. They have to want to change. It’s out of your hands. At the end of the day you have to be happy. Know when to walk away…Be strong enough to stay away.

I would love to know what you think about this topic. Leave me a note in the comments.

Thanks so much for Reading!

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Reflectionsfromme
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Burnished Chaos

 

 

 

When a Romantic Relationship Affects Your Mental Health

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Last year I met someone who I thought was a soul mate. While I often question the validity of soul mates, deep down I wish for one. That one person who just gets me. This person seemed to do just that. We had this really strong instant connection. The relationship showed a lot of promise.

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That was so refreshing. He actually took the time to get to know me. It’s so rare to find that these days. I found him to be a unique person with a unique mind and I adored our conversations. We could talk about anything and the conversations flowed as if we had always known each other.

We had a long distance relationship. This was against my rules of dating. We met online – Xbox – another rule broken. Still, though I wanted to give it a chance. I wanted to open myself up to the possibilities. A third rule I broke was to not date someone more than 5 years younger than me. He was in his twenties. He presented himself as a mature and deep, intelligent thinker.

relationship_rockinrandommomI don’t trust easily and it takes a lot for me to tell someone I love them. It happened fast and within a month we were exchanging I love you’s and talking long term. I watch Catfish on MTV so naturally I was cautious. We had Skyped and sent pictures and spoke on the phone. He was who he said he was.

BUT THERE WERE SEVERAL RED FLAGS.

When I commit to someone and really love someone, I tend to go above and beyond. I’m a very generous person and eventually realized my generosity was being taken advantage of. When I said something, his answer was always, “Well, I didn’t ask you.” When coupled with how he “didn’t ask” – that is manipulation.

He had a way though, of making me second guess my instincts. Because of my trust issues I told myself that it was my own crazy thoughts that were keeping me from fully trusting him. I look back on that now and I know better. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!
relationship_rockinrandommomHe would often ignore me for a week or two at a time then come back and tell me how much he missed me. When I get ignored, I get angry but I also get distant. I told him this yet he kept ignoring me anyway. This had nothing to do with family obligations or work. It was all about gaming. He often retreated to his own little bubble where no one else existed, save his gaming buddies. During these times, I found myself depressed and irritable. I allowed it to affect my well being and happiness. Not Cool!

This song explains it perfectly:

Even so, I continued to date him. I really believed in our connection. Despite all the signs I believed in him. I saw his potential. I also wanted to help him. You see, over the course of our 10 month relationship/friendship I saw strong signs of a possible mental illness.

relationship_rockinrandommomHe would lie or exaggerate certain truths about his life in order to gain my sympathy. I genuinely wanted to help him but often found myself more stressed out and withdrawn. I was really stressing and worrying over his well being and beating myself up when he consistently ignored my advice. He could talk the talk but couldn’t walk the walk.

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relationship_rockinrandommomThe last straw for me was when he “forgot” my birthday. Wait. What he said was he didn’t forget, just forgot to tell me. I called bullshit on that and realized, finally, that I needed to let him go. We weren’t in a relationship by then but we were still acting like a couple. It showed me how selfish he really was. Despite his constant words of “I love you” and “You’re the most important thing in my life”, his actions kept showing me the opposite.

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I finally came to the conclusion that what he really wanted was a savior. Someone to rescue him from his life and take care of him. He wanted a mother and a lover in one while at the same time someone to obsess over him. I’m just not down with that. For my own sanity I had to cut him from my life. Sometimes you just have to walk away. I have to put my happiness first. After, I realized just how much he had drained me emotionally.

I was really angry with him but more angry with myself. The truth is I felt duped. How can that be? I’m smarter than this? I really had to come to terms with the whole situation. I invested so much more into the relationship. I gave more than I got. I can’t say this relationship was a mistake because I learned something very valuable about myself. Now I can move forward. Never settle for less than you deserve.

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Have you had a similar experience in relationships? Let me know in the comments.

Thanks so much for Reading!

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I am linking this with:

My Random Musings
Monday Stumble Linky
Reflectionsfromme
Cuddle Fairy