Therapy has ended. It ended in October of 2015. If I remember correctly, I started therapy in September or October of 2005. It has taken ten years to finally move on from my childhood. It took ten years, a lot of hard work and a phenomenal therapist who treated me with respect, approached our sessions with understanding and patience, and helped me re-train my brain so that all of those negative thoughts and behaviors I had grown up with could be pushed out of my mind, paving the way for a new outlook on life.
To you, my wonderful therapist, I thank you! I thank you for not judging me. I thank you for giving me a safe space to not just express my feelings, but to figure out what those feelings were. I remember when I first came to you, I told you flat out that I don’t trust therapists. I had had a few bad experiences with some who were less interested in me and more interested in studying me. You were interested in helping me. You didn’t see me as a statistic. You saw me as a human being.
I remember early on that I told you I believed I was a freak and that I would never be normal. I would never feel normal. You didn’t argue with me. You just listened and you encouraged me to keep talking about why I felt that way. No one ever wanted to know why I felt any sort of way. As you know, growing up, my feelings were never taken into consideration. I was never listened to. I was nothing more than damaged goods to those who were supposed to care for me. To them, I would never amount to anything. I was destined for failure as far as they were concerned. But you knew better.
You showed me that I am so much more than that. You showed me that I am a worthy human being with intelligent thoughts and real feelings. You showed me that I matter. You helped me build up my self-esteem and knock down my steel walls. I had so many walls. When I came to you I felt like a monster. I was battling my demons and they were winning. I was starting to become very cold. I felt dead inside. You helped me change all of that. You helped me turn it all around and I thank you!
I had held in so many emotions for such a long time that one of the reasons I came to you was because I was feeling emotions, anger and rage, in particular, and I didn’t know why. More importantly, I felt like I was losing control. I thought I was going crazy. When you explained to me that I had PTSD and what that meant, it helped me to see that I wasn’t crazy and that my feelings were real. They were very intense but they were real.
You helped me stare down my demons, fight the horde, and come out on top. With your help, I developed some real life skills that go way beyond mere survival. Through you, I learned how to notice my triggers and how to handle them when they happen. I will be honest with you, this past Christmas I was triggered twice by total strangers. The second time I did lose my cool but I also calmed myself down long enough to deal with the problem at hand. I used the skills you gave me and I didn’t dwell.
The most important thing you helped me with was forgiveness and not just forgiving those who hurt me. You helped me to forgive myself. You helped me to fully accept that the things that happened to me as a child wasn’t my fault and by accepting that, I was able to forgive myself and by forgiving myself, I have gotten closer with my spiritual side. I’m not angry with God anymore. I no longer believe the Universe is out to get me.
It took ten long years and a lot of hard work from both of us but without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I don’t think if I can ever truly express just how grateful I am that you came into my life. I made the decision to get better. You helped me achieve that goal. I am better now. There are things I know I will always struggle with but know that each day is a little easier. I miss you though. You were an important part of my life for a long time and I miss our conversations but I want you to know that I am happy. I am finally happy! I wish you all the best!
I am linking this with: