Bucket List Time! A New Decade, A New Chapter

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I’ve actually had a bucket list in my head for awhile but I have never written it down. Ever since I saw Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson in the movie The Bucket List I’ve wanted to make a list of my own. Though jumping out of a plane is definitely NOT on my bucket list, I do have a few things I want to do before it’s too late to do them.

But First, About my Birthday…

This past Friday I celebrated my 40th Birthday. I had originally wanted to celebrate with a few of my female friends at home with drinking and games and shootin’ the shit but the ladies thought it would be great to go out. I wasn’t all that sure as I am not big on the partying these days but I went out.  what the hell though right? It’s not like I do it very often and it was my birthday.

Before heading out though we all had a glass of wine and a few jello-o shots for the road. Then we picked up our 4th party goer at work where the girls surprised me with a piece of birthday cake. After the song was sung and the cake was eaten – I needed help eating it as it was very good but so rich – we headed to our destination.

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We went to a place called The Tunnel Bar and I fell in love with the Martini bar and the seating area was so comfy!You literally are walking through a small tunnel as you enter. The leather seats and coffee tables are on either side of you as you walk towards the Martini bar. I should have taken pictures because it was very cozy but of course I didn’t. I had my first Raspberry Truffle Martini. Well, two actually. They were so damn good! After our drinks the girls took me upstairs to the dance floor. They wanted to dance. I wasn’t feeling it but I followed them.

There was another bar upstairs where we all had a birthday cake shot. It wasn’t that good but it certainly had a bang and I was definitely feeling the liquor in my system by then. The dance floor was way too crowded with way too many 20-somethings around me and the music was unfamiliar. They only played two songs I actually knew. Yep! That made me feel a bit on the old side.

After dancing to one or two songs we went outside for some air. At that point I remember we were chatting up a very nice police officer then heading back to the car. When we got back to my place we chit chatted for awhile before passing out. The night was fun, even if it wasn’t what I had in mind. It was a good time and I was definitely hungover the next day.

So Now to my Bucket List….

bucketlist_rockinrandommomAll the next day I pretty much laid on the couch watching Ghost Brothers on my DVR. Occasionally Conner would come cuddle with me but I had time to think and reflect on many things that day. One of them being my bucket list. I’m still working on this list. I think I will be working on it for at least the next ten years because there will always be things I want to do.

 

 

 

Here is my list so far:

  1. Travel to the UK – I have wanted to see Ireland, England, Wales, and Scotland since I was a child. From books I’ve read to movies I’ve seen the landscape just looks so beautiful and amazing and the history! Oh the history! From Queen Elizabeth I -who is one of my historic feminine heroes- to visiting ancient Viking settlements, to actually seeing up close Stonehenge, I cannot wait to go there!
  2. Visiting the rest of Europe – I look forward to visiting France, Germany, Italy, Greece, and many other countries in Europe with so much history!
  3. Finally finish my first book – Maybe even get two published!
  4. Go on a three day hiking trip – I know this one seems small but I’ve been busy raising children and I haven’t had the time or the money so now it’s on my bucket list.
  5. Conquer some of my fears – Like my fear of tall heights and my fear of spiders. This one will be the hardest one on my list.

As I said, I’m still working on this list but these are my top 5 things I want to do within the next 20 years. Yes you read that right. 20 Years! I want to give myself some time to complete this list. Especially about the spiders. I am so not ready for that one!

Have you made a bucket list yet? What’s on it? Leave a comment below:)

Thanks so much for reading!

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40 and Single and Happy About it!

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I am 40 and single and yes! I am happy about it. Some people who read this might not understand why I’m happy about being single. We live in a society where being coupled up is normal and the notion of even wanting to be alone scares us. It’s not considered the norm to want to be alone. After all, we are social beings and wanting to be eternally loved by another person is only natural.

In my early twenties I looked at love and relationships much like most people. I wanted to find “the one”. For me, I wanted to find someone who would rescue me from my shitty life and I’d live happily ever after. Those are the dreams of a young woman who doesn’t know where she fits in this world.

I had very little confidence in myself, though I hid it well. Being young, confused, and without rules set me up for much heart break. It also made me cold and bitter. With no solid boundaries I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like. When I was at my worst, I met my ex-husband. Looking back, I had gone into that relationship not knowing who I was or what I truly wanted.

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He is a good one but again, neither of us really knew what we wanted. Neither of us understood. We clashed. We had kids. I got diagnosed with PTSD. Our oldest has Autism. All of this was draining on two young people from broken homes and issues we didn’t know we had. Now that I’m 40 and single I am looking back on this and realizing an important life lesson.

That I need to find happiness within myself first before I can be with anyone else.

After my separation from my ex, I dated a little. I thought that I could just date around and figure things out. Turns out that’s not me. It never was. Casual dating doesn’t make me happy. I’m just not built that way. That was another thing that I learned about myself.

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So I took a few years to work on myself. Then last year I met someone and for a time, I was really happy. He met a longing in me that I didn’t know I had. We had a soul connection. It was profound and beautiful! As time went on and as I’m fast approaching 40, I started to really think about what I want from a romantic relationship.

My therapist says I want a male version of me. Haha! I sat down and made a short list the other day of the qualities I would look for and I am beginning to think she may be right. My top three qualities: self-sufficient, independent, and motivated. Then the list got longer as I was writing. Most of it is what I assume most people want. Great sense of humor, laid back, and intelligent. I love a deep thinker who I can have great conversation with. But I also love someone I can go on an adventure with who also loves to veg out on the couch. There is a lot more to it than that but you get the idea.

Then another Epiphany happened and I discovered yet another new thing about myself…

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I’m not sure when this happened but there it is. I’m afraid of commitment. It’s not just with relationships though. Apparently, this is why I haven’t finished any of my books. Nor why I can’t commit to a career path. Friendships, family, even my blog have suffered because of my commitment issues.

Then I had another epiphany. I’m happiest when I’m alone. Now most people tell me that this is only because I haven’t met the right person yet. Maybe that’s true. What I do know for sure is that I’m on my own path of self-discovery and I am constantly evolving my thinking and my perspective. If someone comes along that is on the same path as me – Great! If not, I’m okay with that too.

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I spent the bulk of my youth dating some real jerks. I let the wrong ones into my life. The deep seeded trust issues I already had didn’t help. I didn’t know myself. I wasn’t the self-assured and confidant woman I am today. Twenty years ago I settled because I was a “go with the flow” kind of person.

Today, I know what I want – and what I don’t want. I am 40 and single because I won’t settle for less than I deserve. When I was 20 I didn’t think I deserved a whole lot. Now that I’m 40 and single, I know better. My standards are higher and I’m not afraid to set boundaries or walk away from something that doesn’t make me happy.

Thanks so much for reading!

 

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July Goals and Turning 40

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Yep! This is the month I turn the big 4-0! Turning 40 has been on my mind a lot lately. Actually, my 40th birthday has been on my mind since New Year’s, if I’m being completely honest here. It’s not something I have been looking forward to. In fact, I’ve been dreading it, though not for the reasons you might think.

I dread turning 40 because I don’t want to leave my thirties. And no, it’s not because thirties are younger. Truth be told it has nothing to do with age. I learned so much about myself in my thirties.  I struggled through mental illness most of my life. In my thirties, I fought back. I worked my ass off to overcome my past. Through this work, I learned to accept myself while still working to become a better version of me.

I learned to forgive those who have hurt me. I have also learned to forgive myself. Forgiveness was something I never thought I would know. But it was a goal I set in my thirties and I achieved it. Loving myself was another thing I never thought I would know or understand. Learning to love myself came with healing but I got there. I love myself now. So, turning 40 is bittersweet for me.

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You know how people say that when you close one chapter in your life you start a new one? That’s the exciting part. I’m starting a new decade and writing a new chapter in my book of life. Turning 40 is a good thing. At the same time, it’s incredibly sad for me because it feels like I’m leaving behind a friend.

Rather than sulk though, I have decided that this month I’m going to write posts about my mixed feelings towards turning 40. I am going to write about what this means for me in many different aspects of my life. What does motherhood look like? How about career? Where does love play into it?

I have recently discovered several different blogs that talk about the importance of setting blogging goals. So I’m going to work on that. Until now, I’ve just been winging it. Now that I’m turning 40 I want to set new goals and make new rules for myself.

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Turning 40 is also surreal. It still doesn’t feel like I’m about to be “over the hill”. What does that even mean anyway? Maybe because we are living longer these days, 40 really doesn’t seem like that big a deal. It is a big deal though. It is because now I am a more confidant person. I’m definitely more confidant now than I ever was in my twenties.

Yes, this is what July brings to me. I am looking forward to sharing most of my thoughts with you as I get ready to start this new chapter!

#turning40

Thanks so much for reading!

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Rockin’ Quote #33: Happiness is a State of Being

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Happiness is a state of Being. What comes to mind when you here this? I came up with this one a few weeks ago while gaming with some friends. Most of the gamers I game with are in their early twenties and yes, sometimes I feel real old chatting with them but they’re a good group of people and they make me laugh. And I do love to laugh. Anyway, a few of them are dealing with some struggles that have them questioning a lot in their lives. They’re lost. I was lost once. My early twenties weren’t exactly filled with sunshine and rainbows, that’s for sure. I talked with one person in particular about happiness. Through that conversation I realized that not only is he not happy but he doesn’t know that only he has the power to make himself happy.

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When most people think of happiness they think of all of the things that make them happy. Things that make me happy are hiking, swimming, gaming, writing, spending time with my boys, and we can’t forget music. These things all make me happy in different ways. Hiking and swimming get me outside and active. When I’m active I feel physically good, which in turn, improves my mental health and that makes me happy.

Writing makes me feel productive. Being productive and feeling like I contribute to the world in some way is extremely important to me and that makes me happy. Gaming is my escape from the stressors of the world but I game with some really funny people. Seriously, they make me laugh so hard sometimes and as we all know laughter is the epitome of happiness. And of course, spending time with my boys either playing board games, going for a walk or just watching a movie together is something that causes happiness to spill over in me every time.

Then there is music!

A great song can put me in a really great mood. Songs can also inspire me. For instance, there are three songs that I’ve come by recently that do all three of these things. Battle Symphony by Linkin Park, Whatever it Takes by Imagine Dragons, and We Don’t Run by Bon Jovi. Come on, You had to know I would find a way to add Bon Jovi in there right? As long as he keeps making music, I’ll keep loving his songs!

I’m going to leave the three songs here for your listening pleasure!

 

 

 

So now that you’ve listened to these great songs, let me get back to what the point of this post is. We naturally seek outside sources to make us happy. Doing things we enjoy makes us happy. For many people, they find happiness in another person. This isn’t always the healthiest thing to do but our society has been groomed to believe this. I’m thinking of the romantic persuasion here. Just look at every love song, poem, movie, and book.

What we don’t often realize is that happiness – true happiness – comes from within. It took me a long time to learn this myself. I was so clouded by my own pain and bitterness that I didn’t know I had the gift of happiness inside me all along. I had to work through that pain but also work to change my perception of the world and of myself.

Once I was able to do that, I found it easy to be happy. I mentioned a few weeks ago about love and respect. You can read that one HERE  I believe self-love, self-respect and true happiness all intertwine with one another. Once I figured out how to love myself, I naturally earned greater respect for myself. Once I did that, my own inner happiness soon followed and it did so naturally. Then inner peace found its way into my soul.

This is what I hope for everyone. While many external things make us happy and we should continue to do what makes us happy, understanding that we possess the ability to be happy within ourselves brings more value to all of the external happiness we could ever find.

What do you think about happiness? Do you agree or disagree? What makes you happy? Leave me a comment about it. I’d love to hear from you!

Thanks so much for reading!

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Rockin’ Quote #32: If He is Not Worthy

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Recently I came across this quote on a shirt that was being sold through one of those ads on Facebook. I am a bit obsessed with Vikings these days and viking lore. I am also obsessed with the TV show on the History channel. Anyway, this shirt, and several others were being sold through a viking page that I liked. I saw this quote and knew I had to have the shirt but the quote means so much more. “If he is not worthy” is only the start of the quote. Let me show you what I mean.

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I love this quote and it holds even more meaning these days than it ever did before. Sex and love are no longer seen in today’s society as something special. In fact, we’ve become so desensitized to it that we have forgotten how to set boundaries. Or even what boundaries are. Do we even know anymore? But the bigger issue isn’t that love and sex have become so mainstream that we don’t even blink an eye at the pure absurdity of the abuse of it. No, that’s not the real problem. We are so obsessed with showing the world that we are free, independent individuals capable of doing whatever we want, with whoever we want that we have lost our self-respect.

Many people these days seem to be confused about what love and respect really mean so let’s break it down:

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There are about a million different definitions for Love. These I got from Webster dictionary.

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Again, from Webster dictionary. Self-love and self-respect is basically turned inward. I just want to make that clear.

And I’m not just talking about women here. Both sexes seem to have lost self-respect. Here’s the thing about respect. Just like they say that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Well, the same rings true for respect. Now, I’m not saying you have to be celibate until you find “the one” or wait until marriage. I’m not trying to preach here. What I am saying is that we have forgotten the meaning of love and respect and we have forgotten to set boundaries with ourselves and with others.

What it really comes down to is your own sense of self. Who are you? How do you want to live your life? What kind of person do you want to be? Saying he is not worthy (and I also mean she because this does go for men and women) is saying this: If you can’t be there for me, stand beside in my darkest moments, you are not worthy of my time. We have a really bad habit of giving too much of ourselves to people who take advantage of us or take us for granted. When you stop to think about it, at the end of the day they only care about what you give to them. There is no regard for your needs or your happiness.

To others this quote could be just about sex. To me though, it’s about so much more than that. This is something I also feel is important to teach my boys. As a mother I don’t just teach them to respect women. I teach them to respect themselves. Saying a person is not worthy isn’t saying that person isn’t a good person. It’s saying that person is not worthy of your time and your energy. Even a good person can treat another badly. Don’t waste it on the wrong people. You deserve better than that.

Thanks so much for reading!

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