40 and Single and Happy About it!

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I am 40 and single and yes! I am happy about it. Some people who read this might not understand why I’m happy about being single. We live in a society where being coupled up is normal and the notion of even wanting to be alone scares us. It’s not considered the norm to want to be alone. After all, we are social beings and wanting to be eternally loved by another person is only natural.

In my early twenties I looked at love and relationships much like most people. I wanted to find “the one”. For me, I wanted to find someone who would rescue me from my shitty life and I’d live happily ever after. Those are the dreams of a young woman who doesn’t know where she fits in this world.

I had very little confidence in myself, though I hid it well. Being young, confused, and without rules set me up for much heart break. It also made me cold and bitter. With no solid boundaries I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like. When I was at my worst, I met my ex-husband. Looking back, I had gone into that relationship not knowing who I was or what I truly wanted.

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He is a good one but again, neither of us really knew what we wanted. Neither of us understood. We clashed. We had kids. I got diagnosed with PTSD. Our oldest has Autism. All of this was draining on two young people from broken homes and issues we didn’t know we had. Now that I’m 40 and single I am looking back on this and realizing an important life lesson.

That I need to find happiness within myself first before I can be with anyone else.

After my separation from my ex, I dated a little. I thought that I could just date around and figure things out. Turns out that’s not me. It never was. Casual dating doesn’t make me happy. I’m just not built that way. That was another thing that I learned about myself.

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So I took a few years to work on myself. Then last year I met someone and for a time, I was really happy. He met a longing in me that I didn’t know I had. We had a soul connection. It was profound and beautiful! As time went on and as I’m fast approaching 40, I started to really think about what I want from a romantic relationship.

My therapist says I want a male version of me. Haha! I sat down and made a short list the other day of the qualities I would look for and I am beginning to think she may be right. My top three qualities: self-sufficient, independent, and motivated. Then the list got longer as I was writing. Most of it is what I assume most people want. Great sense of humor, laid back, and intelligent. I love a deep thinker who I can have great conversation with. But I also love someone I can go on an adventure with who also loves to veg out on the couch. There is a lot more to it than that but you get the idea.

Then another Epiphany happened and I discovered yet another new thing about myself…

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I’m not sure when this happened but there it is. I’m afraid of commitment. It’s not just with relationships though. Apparently, this is why I haven’t finished any of my books. Nor why I can’t commit to a career path. Friendships, family, even my blog have suffered because of my commitment issues.

Then I had another epiphany. I’m happiest when I’m alone. Now most people tell me that this is only because I haven’t met the right person yet. Maybe that’s true. What I do know for sure is that I’m on my own path of self-discovery and I am constantly evolving my thinking and my perspective. If someone comes along that is on the same path as me – Great! If not, I’m okay with that too.

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I spent the bulk of my youth dating some real jerks. I let the wrong ones into my life. The deep seeded trust issues I already had didn’t help. I didn’t know myself. I wasn’t the self-assured and confidant woman I am today. Twenty years ago I settled because I was a “go with the flow” kind of person.

Today, I know what I want – and what I don’t want. I am 40 and single because I won’t settle for less than I deserve. When I was 20 I didn’t think I deserved a whole lot. Now that I’m 40 and single, I know better. My standards are higher and I’m not afraid to set boundaries or walk away from something that doesn’t make me happy.

Thanks so much for reading!

 

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I am linking with:

 

 

My Random Musings
Cuddle Fairy

Remembering 9/11 What I Teach My Son

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Today, September 11, 2016, marks the 15 year anniversary of the most tragic day in American History during my lifetime. Remembering 9/11 means more to me than just another tragic day though. Just like our grandparents and great-grandparents, who remember exactly where they were and what they were doing on December 7, 1941 I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing September 11, 2001. Here is my account of that day.

Where I was…

I was living in my hometown of Baltimore, MD. Only 45 minutes away from D.C. About an hour from Pennsylvania. I was living with my ex and mother-in-law in a nice 2 bedroom apartment. I had a black cat name Sage and I was 7 months pregnant with my first child. Adam was still growing in my belly that day. In fact, the very next day, September 12th, marked my 7 month mark. That’s where I was that day, 15 years ago. This is me remembering 9/11.

What I was doing…

I was working in a daycare center during my pregnancy and I was helping out in the baby room that day. I was rocking a baby to sleep and looking out the window, enjoying the rays of the sun that were shining through. It was a beautiful morning and we teachers had decided that we would take the babies for a walk in the strollers. It was such a beautiful morning.

We were listening to a CD of baby music. I had to go to the bathroom so I put the baby in a bouncy chair. When I got back from the bathroom, I walked into a dark room with only a few lamps for light. The whole vibe in the room had completely changed. I heard a voice on the radio saying something about the towers but I thought I was listening to a movie preview. I honestly thought that. Looking back, when I play those moments in my head, they play out in slow motion. As if it was something that I should have known. As if it was something we all should have known. That’s how I am remembering 9/11.

Within the hour, most of the children in the daycare center had gone home. Most of the parents of these children worked in D.C. It’s not uncommon for residents of Baltimore to work in D.C. As these parents came to pick up their little ones, I saw them hug their babies tighter than I had ever seen. I saw the fear on their faces. The worry they had for their children.  Slowly it started to hit me but it didn’t really hit me until…

Watching it on TV made it real…

Most of us went home that day. We contacted our families and friends. My ex, my mother-in-law and myself sat in front of the TV and watched the footage. The three of us watched the planes hit each tower. We watched the towers fall. We watched as the people of New York ran from the buildings, covered in soot and trying to make their way through the debris.

remembering911_rockinrandommom I remember seeing a photo of a young woman my age who had died. She was also seven months pregnant with her first child. She was expecting a boy and had named him Connor. I remember feeling a sense of survivor’s guilt because I was alive. My baby was going to be born while hers didn’t even have a chance. I grieved for her and her baby. five years later when my Conner was born, I thought of her and her baby. Even though his dad and I settled on the name from a TV show, I thought of her.

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And what of my son?

I have seen a number of Facebook memes on the incoming freshman this year not being alive that fateful day in 2001 and how they will learn about it history class but will never really know how it felt to live through that day. They will never truly understand the fear, the heartbreak, and the anger we all felt that day and every day since. Our children will not understand how that day changed us as a nation. Do you know what they know? They know our anger. Young boys and girls know how divided we are. The youngest of the millennials don’t remember a time when we came together as a country. They don’t understand what United means when we say United States of America.

But my son will. He has. Every year, from the time he was about 4 years old, I told him of that day. His brother knows too. My boys may not fully understand the emotions behind that day. Maybe they won’t understand the significance of that tragedy and how it changed our country but they know that I remember. They have seen my tears. They felt my sadness. Remembering 9/11 is a part of their lives because it is a part of mine.

Where were you that day?

I don’t often listen to country but this song by Alan Jackson is for this day and I’m dedicating to Remembering 9/11

 

Thanks so much for reading!

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I am linking this with these rockin’ linkies:

My Random Musings
Pink Pear Bear
DomesticatedMomster

 

 

My St. Patrick’s Day Blessings

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This week has been a roller coaster of different happenings. Even though there was a mixture of positive and negative emotions going on for me I have also had a few blessings blow my way just in time for St. Patrick’s Day, which happens to be one of my favorite holidays. It’s as if St. Patrick himself is smiling down on me! Here are a few things happening this week:

  • As some of you know, my teenager was really sick for a week and I was worried about him having Pneumonia. I finally took him to the doctor and the doctor assured me that despite them seeing a lot of Pneumonia this year, my son lucked out and got Bronchitis instead. He was put on a five day antibiotic and has returned to school his normal, happy-go-lucky self and I couldn’t be happier. As any parent reading this will understand, it’s hard on us seeing our kids sick or hurt in any way so when they feel better, it’s a huge sigh of relief!
  • As my last post mentioned, or rather implied, I’ve been in a bit of funk lately, especially pertaining to my blog and writing in general. Not knowing where to take my blog and the stress of constantly promoting with no time to actually write, I said I needed to take some time to figure some things out. My main goal now is to write. Promotion will continue to be a part of my blogging agenda but it won’t take over my brain. Since taking on this new train of thought, I have actually been getting some great ideas for my new content for my blog as well as writing my stories!
  • A good thing that happened was after paying all of my bills, I actually had some play money so I went to ancestry.com and sent for my DNA test. I have been a part of Ancestry for several years now but because they’re a bit expensive, and I’m not too happy with how they sucker people into signing up for their most expensive memberships, I haven’t been too involved with it. However, a random fact about me is that I love learning about my heritage and I can’t wait to get the test back to see what I actually have in my blood line!
  • Once my son was back at school, I was finally able to start concentrating on myself and I found some new music that I really like. The most surprising of this music though is a few of these bands I recently discovered are Christian/Gospel. I haven’t listened to that kind of music since the 90’s when Jars Of Clay and DC Talk were popular. I was very much into the church back then so I listened to the music but it’s been years and wow have they changed! I mean, I’ve been listening to Skillet and RED now for a few years but discovering new bands like them is kind of blowing my mind! At the end of the day though, I don’t care what genre I’m listening to. If I connect with the lyrics and the music, I’m going to listen to it.
  • This week I found out that Easter is at the end of this month and this has me frustrated. This may just be me and my own weirdness but for me, March is reserved for St. Patrick’s Day. April is for Easter. I don’t care that it’s leap year. There are four Sundays in April…Pick one!  Easter is not a favorite holiday for me but I will write more about that in my next post.
  • After not working out for over a week I was finally able to go for a walk yesterday before it rained. FYI: I didn’t know it was going to rain. I was driven to go for a walk and walk I did. It just so happen that as soon as I walked through the front door of my apartment building, the rain started to come down. Another sign to me that St. Patrick – or someone up there- is looking out for me!
  • The Goonies was on the other night and I tried to get Conner to watch it with me but he was too busy playing Minecraft to pay attention. That is until the end when he started asking me a million questions about what was happening. It got me thinking though: His dad introduced him to the Back to the Future movies and I introduced him to Spaceballs last week, which he loved so I’m going to start playing some of those old movies I watched as a kid for my boys!

All in all I am in a good place right now. I’m finally getting myself back to working out and I’ve been slowly re-organizing my house and getting my own brain back up to par with my dreams and goals.

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I am linking this with:

My Random Musings

 

 

Pink Pear Bear
Cuddle Fairy

What Home Means to Me

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So a couple of months ago I was tagged by someone – I can’t remember who – that’s how bad my memory is – to write what home means to me. Home means many things to me. It means a physical house with a warm cozy fireplace. It also means sanctuary. So, I’m going to make a list of all of the things that home means to me.

  1. Home is where the heart is: I actually do believe this. I grew up in Baltimore, MD but I never felt like I belonged there. I always felt out of place. That’s not to say I don’t get homesick from time to time and it’s not to say I don’t now appreciate the place where my roots began. There is something to be said about your hometown. It’s where your family is. It’s where you made most of your first discoveries, good and bad. Where you made your first mistakes. Despite a rough upbringing, I have many good memories of my hometown but…
  2. I made a new home: Moving to Massachusetts was the best decision I ever made and I made this decision with no fear. My ex is from here so when we had our oldest I knew I didn’t want to raise him in Baltimore. We moved here and truth be told, it was rough on me. There was a huge culture shock as the people in smaller towns are so very different from big city folk. I got homesick a lot at first but over the years, I have come to love my town and while I may visit my hometown every now and then, I can’t imagine living anywhere else.
  3. My Boys are my home: I know that someday, they won’t be with me. They will go out into the world and make somewhere else their new home. I am very aware of this and have already started making a semi-plan for when that happens. Traveling comes to mind as it is something I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve traveled some in my life but not a lot. For now though, my boys are my home and where they live, is where I live. They love their schools (I love their schools), their father is here, and they love their town. I go where they go, not the other way around.
  4. My home is my sanctuary: I used to have dreams of living in a big house, with a big yard and a fireplace. Amyidealhome_rockinrandommom log cabin in the woods or a house on the beach are my dream homes. I haven’t given up on that dream but I have put it on the back burner as the economy, and my credit won’t allow me to actually go forth with this dream at this time. I live in an apartment but it’s where my boys and I are free to be who we are. This is the place where we don’t have to deal with the outside world if we don’t want to. I get inspired here. My boys feel safe here. We have our pets who only add to the comfort and safety of our own little bubble in the world.
  5. My home is comfort: From sleeping in on a wintry Sunday under warm blankets, to feeling the warm wind blow through my open windows on a beautiful Spring day, my home is happy and comfortable. It’s where I watch TV in bed and where I play my Xbox with my kids. It’s where I workout and where I write. It’s where clutter gathers and dishes pile up in the kitchen sink.

My house isn’t the cleanest and most spotless place in the world. It gets messy. I still have crayon on the walls from when my youngest used to draw on them when he was younger. I still have mountains of papers gathering dust that really need to be thrown away but my house has tranquility in spite of the chaos. My house has love and fun and laughter. My home is my own space, my own little piece of the world that is mine and I share that with VERY FEW people. It is my castle and I am it’s Queen!

I am linking with:

Domesticated Momster
Pink Pear Bear

 

 

Welcome to 2016!

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Wow! I can’t believe December went by so fast! Just a few weeks ago I was stressing about the holidays coming up with everything I had to do and now my boys are heading back to school tomorrow. I needed this time off though. I needed to recharge and figure things out. Let me be honest though, I’m still figuring things out;)

So, Let me catch you up on what all has been happening in my life since my last post. First, I got through Christmas! Christmas Eve was a huge hit. I made my ham dinner for 15 people, we exchanged gifts, then I relaxed with some wine as my kids willingly (that rarely happens) went to bed dreaming about the presents they might see under the tree. They got almost everything they wanted plus some unexpected gifts from friends and family.

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Christmas day I actually had a day to relax. I even relaxed the day after because I avoid the day after Christmas sales like the plague. Just like I avoid Black Friday. I am just not with that. So I stayed home with my boys and chilled. Sunday night my sister and niece came to visit me from Delaware and I was ecstatic! I couldn’t wait to finally have a Christmas with my sister in over ten years.

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I made another ham dinner for them, we exchanged gifts, my sister and niece raided my closet as always, and we caught up on some of The Walking Dead together! I even got a new updated picture of me and my sis! They could only stay for three days so I started missing them as soon as they left but I’m hoping to go down in April for my 20 year high school reunion (technically 20 years was last year but people have lives, ya know).

New Year’s Eve I had my nephew over and we played some poker while waiting to ring in the new year with my  favorite boys. I had this awesome drink HPNOTIQ. It’s on my instagram if you want to check it out but it is really good. I’ve been drinking a glass of it every single night. Hehehe!

The rest of my vacation has been to just get my house back in order. I never looked forward to taking a tree down so fast in my life. I had waited too long to get a tree so I ended up with one I wasn’t crazy about but more than that I just wanted Christmas to be over.  I am so ready for 2016! I am ready to start a new year with new beginnings and hopefully things will finally start to look up. I am starting a new workout routine that I’m excited about. I have more of my story to post on here as well so I look forward to that and my oldest will be graduating from Middle School in the Spring. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about that yet so I will have to let ya know when that time comes.

This is also election year, for which we Americans will be selecting our next President of the United States. Whether we want to admit it or not, this is a big deal because the person we select will not only impact Americans but the world. I try to steer clear of politics on my blog but I will say this: PLEASE NOT DONALD TRUMP! I don’t care who else gets elected as long as it’s not him! If I’ve offended any Trump supporters out there, sorry-not sorry. This is my opinion and not subject to change.

I have decided to hold off on starting a linky because I have other goals that I want to accomplish this year that will take up too much of my time and since I am not one to put too much on my plate at once, I will play it by ear. I am still in the process of changing some things around on my blog but changing my theme has proved to be a bit frustrating. GRRR!! I am looking forward to making some changes though, both for my blog and in my life. Good things are coming. I can feel it!

When I did get back on here, I received my annual report from Jetpack. I am excited about it because I did better than I thought I would for my first six months of blogging. Check out the link and see what I mean!

My Jetpack Annual Report

It was encouraging to see and it got me pumped for the new year! Big things are coming and I can’t wait to see what this new year will bring!

I am linking this with:

My Random Musings
http://www.reflectionsfromme.com
Domesticated Momster