Rockin’ Quote #34: Know When to Walk Away

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It’s been awhile since I posted a quote of the week. This quote “know when to walk away…” is piggy backing off of my last post When a Romantic Relationship Affects Your Mental Health. I spoke a little bit about my suspicions of my ex-boyfriend possibly having a mental illness. I also spoke about how he always shut me down with every suggestion I would make about getting help.

Reading over it though, it occurred to me that I didn’t really talk about one huge reason I felt I had to walk away from him. I want to talk about this because if there is a reader out there who feels they need to stay with someone in order to help that person, please consider all of your options first.

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If you’re anything like me, you don’t like to give up on the ones you love. You may also be what I call, a fixer. If I have a problem or if someone I love has a problem, I like to find a solution to that problem. I can’t tell you why I’m like this. Maybe it’s because I am the oldest of four. Maybe it has to do with my childhood and how I grew up. Or maybe I was just born this way.

The point is this: Because I have a fixer type of personality and I hate giving up on people, I don’t always know when to walk away. But years of therapy and much, MUCH self-reflection have helped me to see that sometimes I really do need to walk away from a negative or toxic person. I have to for my own benefit.

Sometimes I struggle with this because I wonder if I’m being selfish. I was told constantly as a kid that I was selfish. You know how kids are. When I wouldn’t let my little brother play with me and my barbies because he was my annoying little brother. Or when I was called a selfish bitch as a teenager because of whatever I wrote in my diary that day.

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I talked in my last post about my depression while in that relationship. There were days when I wouldn’t even get out of bed. My kids noticed the very obvious change in me. I have struggled with depression my whole life. However, for the past two years I have been doing very well in spite of that.

I was very active and very involved with my children’s schools. I was writing every day, either in my blog or working on other projects. Then I met someone and while the honeymoon phase can be expected to take one away from the world a little bit, it went deeper than that.

Then there was me trying to help him. I wanted to fix his problems. Except he didn’t want to fix his problems. When I think about it, I know its because he isn’t ready. You really do have to be ready to take that journey into self-improvement and healing. NO ONE CAN DO IT FOR YOU. Remember that.

walkaway_rockinrandommomThe second part of my quote, “Be strong enough to stay away” is what tends to be a problem for so many people. To walk away is one thing but when you really care for someone, staying away is a different story. Because I wanted so much to help him, even after we broke up, I wanted to remain friends. 

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The problem with remaining friends with an unhealthy person though is that you get pulled back into their world. You get pulled back into their darkness. Before I knew it, I was right back where I was before. I knew then that in order for me to be healthy I had to walk away completely.

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I had to think about myself and my boys. There were also questions about what we had in common. We didn’t have a whole lot. Video games were the most prominent. He didn’t take interest in any of my interests yet kept “strongly recommending” his interests. Even gaming stopped being fun after a while because if he wasn’t constantly jokingly insulting my gaming, then he was criticizing the game itself and after awhile that just stopped being fun.

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This also applies to those who find themselves in abusive relationships. Most people stay out of fear but many stay because they believe they can “fix” their partner. Remember what I said earlier? They have to WANT to fix it. They have to want to change. It’s out of your hands. At the end of the day you have to be happy. Know when to walk away…Be strong enough to stay away.

I would love to know what you think about this topic. Leave me a note in the comments.

Thanks so much for Reading!

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I am linking with:

My Random Musings
Reflectionsfromme
Monday Stumble Linky
Burnished Chaos

 

 

 

29 thoughts on “Rockin’ Quote #34: Know When to Walk Away

  1. This is so true, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. We are all responsible for our own happiness in this life, and if someone is doing nothing but dragging you down you have to cut yourself lose, both your sakes.
    Thank you for linking this to #FamilyFunLinky
    Alana – Burnished Chaos recently posted…10 Simple Ways to UnwindMy Profile

    1. That’s exactly how I feel about it and have been much happier since making the decision to do just that. Thanks so much for reading!!😊

  2. Such great advice! It takes a lot to come to the point where you are at, so much reflection and soul searching. I whole heartedly agree with you and ‘get’ what you are saying here. We can not force people to accept what they are not ready to accept. No matter how much my abusive partner swore he was going to stop abusing me he wasn’t really ready to accept that he needed to change, in the end I had to leave for my own safety and sanity. I couldn’t change him, I actually found one of the hardest things too was that I felt guilty as I worried that if no longer had me to abuse that he would hurt another innocent naive girl, I felt somehow like I needed to protect any future partners he would have. Even years on now I still feel a little bad about that. Is that crazy? I guess it someways it is like survivor guilt, I got out of it alive, even if it did takes years before he stopped stalking me, but I worry that if removed on, if the nest girl would be strong enough to make it too. Sorry I got a bit deep here, but sometimes your posts really resonate with me and I don’t talk really to anyone about the abuse so I feel like here is a safe space. Thanks Michelle xx #mg

  3. This sounds like me in my twenties. I stayed in a bad relationship (it wasn’t abusive, just bad) because I thought I could “fix” it, but you’re so right. Until the other person accepts that something is broken, nothing is going to get fixed.
    Walking away was by far the best thing I ever did and now I don’t hang around. If something is toxic, I walk away.
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes
    Debbie

    1. I have learned that too. I am by nature a loyal person and part of the problem for me in the past was this desire to stay loyal to people who never returned the favor but I have learned not to stay loyal to those who don’t deserve it. Now I just walk away. Thanks so much for reading!😊

    1. Yes I do believe that learning to walk away from people in order to be happy is definitely something we learn as we get older. Maybe we just finally start to realize what we really want and understand that toxic people need not apply. Maybe not everyone learns this but I believe that most people do. Thanks so much for stopping by and reading my post!😊

    1. It is really hard to say no especially when it’s someone you care about but I had to learn how to not only say no but to walk away when the person is just wanting pity and not wanting advise.

  4. I love this post! You have made so many good points. I’m a total fixer too, always getting drawn in to other people’s dramas, sometimes at the expense of my own mental health. Your boyfriend sounds a little bit like a gaslighter – walking away was the best thing you could have done although it must have been a tough decision and experience.

    1. It was a rough decision and the emotional experience was draining. It’s so weird because as you said you find yourself getting pulled into other people’s drama and that’s what happened to me. It’s like they know we are the fixers so they come to us but they don’t want us to actually fix anything. They just want pity. At least that’s been my experience with him and with some friends and even family

  5. I too am a fixer and find it really hard to walk away from situations. I stayed in a relationship longer than I should have because I wanted to fix the relationship that the other person didnt feel the need to fix.

    1. Oh yeah I’ve been there too. It’s like they get used to things and we are like no, it can be better. I learned the hard way that when one person does all the trying and the other does nothing, that’s the beginning of the end. Thanks so much for stopping by!

    1. Yeah I seem to be a magnet for men with mental issues but I’m not willing to help those who can’t help themselves. It seems a little cold but if the person isn’t willing to fight their own battles how can they expect me to do it for them. It’s something that I try to teach my boys too. There are some times in life when you do have to fight your own battles and do your own dirty work. Maybe it’s the independent in me but that’s how I feel about it. Thanks so much for reading and commenting Jeremy!😊

  6. Such a great post lovely. Before I meet hubby I stayed too long in a poor relationship. And you are spot on about staying away too. I couldn’t do that I kept going back believing I could fix him this time. It never worked. It was only when I met hubby that I finally had the strength to walk away for good. Hope you are OK! Stay strong! #mg

  7. Oh hun you are a brave and kind soul. I too am a fixer and really struggle to walk away from toxic people so thank you for reminding me that it is not selfish to walk away. We have to do it for the sake of our help x

    1. That’s exactly true. We must think of ourselves first before walking into any kind of relationship and putting the other person first. That’s an issue for me. I tend to always put the other person first but then I get very little or nothing in return. I end up getting taken for granted and taken advantage of and this in turn, causes resentfulness and misery. I refuse to live my life that way so walking away is the best option. Thanks so much for your lovely comment!

    1. Yes, it can be very life changing because you learn your own strength in staying away from people who you know aren’t good for you. Thanks so much for stopping by!

    1. I love to help people but I have come to realize that people need to be able to help themselves or nothing I say or do is going to help at all. It would be all for naught. So I try to help people who genuinely want and will work for that help. It’s so easy though to get sucked into someone else’s problems and for me, that takes so much energy out of me that I end up feeling drained, angry, and depressed so I have to walk away from it. Thanks so much for stopping by!

    1. I don’t regret my decision either. It was the best one for me in order to be happy and I won’t let anything or anyone stand in my way of my happiness. Thanks so much for stopping by!

  8. I am also a “fixer” I stayed in a relationship with the father of my children for 9 years. He was a sex adict who cheated on me and physically and emotionally abused me. I always thought I could help him and stayed with him, forgiving him again and again. It took for him to turn on my seven year old daughter and punch her and throw her across the room into a wall for me to realise I needed to get rid. Its one thing abusing me but my kids didnt need that. Ive been without him for seven years now and havent looked back once!

    1. I’m so glad you got out though. It may have taken you several years but You did get out and that’s worth a pat on the back. I have seen many women who never leave, even after the abuse is turned on their children and it’s incredibly sad to see. My mom was like you. She took a lot of abuse but once my youngest brother’s father put his hands on me, that was it for her. I’m so honored that you shared your story with me and I, for one, am very proud of you! Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving your wonderful comment:)

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