40 and Single and Happy About it!

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I am 40 and single and yes! I am happy about it. Some people who read this might not understand why I’m happy about being single. We live in a society where being coupled up is normal and the notion of even wanting to be alone scares us. It’s not considered the norm to want to be alone. After all, we are social beings and wanting to be eternally loved by another person is only natural.

In my early twenties I looked at love and relationships much like most people. I wanted to find “the one”. For me, I wanted to find someone who would rescue me from my shitty life and I’d live happily ever after. Those are the dreams of a young woman who doesn’t know where she fits in this world.

I had very little confidence in myself, though I hid it well. Being young, confused, and without rules set me up for much heart break. It also made me cold and bitter. With no solid boundaries I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like. When I was at my worst, I met my ex-husband. Looking back, I had gone into that relationship not knowing who I was or what I truly wanted.

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He is a good one but again, neither of us really knew what we wanted. Neither of us understood. We clashed. We had kids. I got diagnosed with PTSD. Our oldest has Autism. All of this was draining on two young people from broken homes and issues we didn’t know we had. Now that I’m 40 and single I am looking back on this and realizing an important life lesson.

That I need to find happiness within myself first before I can be with anyone else.

After my separation from my ex, I dated a little. I thought that I could just date around and figure things out. Turns out that’s not me. It never was. Casual dating doesn’t make me happy. I’m just not built that way. That was another thing that I learned about myself.

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So I took a few years to work on myself. Then last year I met someone and for a time, I was really happy. He met a longing in me that I didn’t know I had. We had a soul connection. It was profound and beautiful! As time went on and as I’m fast approaching 40, I started to really think about what I want from a romantic relationship.

My therapist says I want a male version of me. Haha! I sat down and made a short list the other day of the qualities I would look for and I am beginning to think she may be right. My top three qualities: self-sufficient, independent, and motivated. Then the list got longer as I was writing. Most of it is what I assume most people want. Great sense of humor, laid back, and intelligent. I love a deep thinker who I can have great conversation with. But I also love someone I can go on an adventure with who also loves to veg out on the couch. There is a lot more to it than that but you get the idea.

Then another Epiphany happened and I discovered yet another new thing about myself…

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I’m not sure when this happened but there it is. I’m afraid of commitment. It’s not just with relationships though. Apparently, this is why I haven’t finished any of my books. Nor why I can’t commit to a career path. Friendships, family, even my blog have suffered because of my commitment issues.

Then I had another epiphany. I’m happiest when I’m alone. Now most people tell me that this is only because I haven’t met the right person yet. Maybe that’s true. What I do know for sure is that I’m on my own path of self-discovery and I am constantly evolving my thinking and my perspective. If someone comes along that is on the same path as me – Great! If not, I’m okay with that too.

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I spent the bulk of my youth dating some real jerks. I let the wrong ones into my life. The deep seeded trust issues I already had didn’t help. I didn’t know myself. I wasn’t the self-assured and confidant woman I am today. Twenty years ago I settled because I was a “go with the flow” kind of person.

Today, I know what I want – and what I don’t want. I am 40 and single because I won’t settle for less than I deserve. When I was 20 I didn’t think I deserved a whole lot. Now that I’m 40 and single, I know better. My standards are higher and I’m not afraid to set boundaries or walk away from something that doesn’t make me happy.

Thanks so much for reading!

 

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I am linking with:

 

 

My Random Musings
Cuddle Fairy

24 thoughts on “40 and Single and Happy About it!

  1. Yes! I love this! Life is about learning and discovering – there are some really AWFUL times, but they shape us and help us to grow. I’m glad to hear that you are now in a place where you are content with yourself and your own company (I have to confess that I’m not so good at this bit!).

    Also, congratulations because somebody loved this post so much, they added it to the #blogcrush linky! Feel free to collect your “I’ve been featured” blog badge 🙂 #blogcrush

    1. Oh that’s awesome! I will grab the badge asa soon as I can and thank you! I am in a great place mentally and emotionally now and I’m pretty content and proud of myself. Thanks so much for reading and commenting!😊

  2. Happy Birthday, Michelle 🙂 I think it’s wonderful that you are happy. And I totally agree on not regretting what’s happened – good or bad it brings us to where we are now. Now that you realise you are terrified of commitment it’s something you can address. 🙂 Thanks for sharing with us at #BloggerClubUK x

    1. Yes the commitment thing is definitely something I plan to work on through all aspects of my life but I’m looking forward to the next decade. I’m excited to see what it brings. Thanks so much for reading and commenting Becky!

  3. My sister is about to turn 40 and is happily single. She’s independent and quite happy with her own company. I definitely think this comes as you get older and get to really know yourself x
    Amy Stainthorpe recently posted…Middle NamesMy Profile

    1. I agree. When we are younger, we are consumed with finding “the one” but as we get older – and the lure of the fairy tale wears off – we want to be by ourselves more and that’s completely okay. Thanks so much for commenting!

  4. From experience, I’ve learned it’s much better to be single than in the wrong relationship. And I totally agree that you have to love yourself before anyone else can.
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes 🙂
    Debbie

    1. I whole heartedly agree with you Debbie. I was in the wrong relationship for 10 years and while I don’t regret it, learning this valuable lesson is something I take with me when I date someone. I have to be happy. I refuse to miserable just so I’m not alone. I’d rather be alone because I’m happier. Thanks so much for commenting!😊

    1. Yeah maybe it has to do something with just being comfortable with who we are and more comfortable being alone. Thanks so much for commenting!

    1. I feel the same way about it. I do hope that one I will be in a place where I can share my life with someone but right now I’m just not ready because there’s so much more for me to discover about myself. I want to be the whole person I want to be when I meet him. Thanks so much for your comment!

  5. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be single, I spent years not wanting to drop my standards for anyone who didn’t make me feel anything less than perfect. You have to do what’s best for you x

    1. That’s exactly right and I’m at a point in my life where I know my worth and I won’t settle for less than I deserve. Thanks so much for stopping by!😊

  6. there are actually days when I miss being single. It seems that I spend way too much of my time worrying about what is going to make other people happy instead of myself. I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything, but there are days that are easier than others, thats for sure #anythinggoes
    Jeremy@ThirstyDaddy recently posted…100 Years of Healthcare DebateMy Profile

    1. Oh yeah I definitely spend way too much time worrying about others and putting others ahead of myself and in a marriage/relationship it seems like that’s all you do. Then add parenting to the mix and it can definitely get overwhelming. I had to ask myself what makes me happy? If you can do you and still cater to your family’s needs, wonderful! That’s really an amazing feat. I don’t know how to do that though. Something I’m still trying to figure out. They do say that if the parents aren’t happy the kids won’t be happy. It’s really important that we are happy, whether choosing marriage or choosing single. Thanks so much for reading!😊

  7. Oh it’s so so hard isn’t it? We’re taught to believe in romance and true love, when really I think the best we can hope for is a partner who accepts and understands us. Marriage is HARD! And I do sometimes think it would be easier on my own 🙂

    1. Yes marriage is very hard. It’s harder than we are ever led to believe which is why I think so many people opt out but I do commend those that stick with it because they love their partner and are committed. For me though, being single works and makes me happy. Being happy is what makes it all worth it whether you choose to marry or choose to stay single. Thanks so much for reading!😊

  8. yes, yes, yes, me too. I am 36 and a happily single mother. i am happier than I have been for years. We spend so much time thinking about and longing for ‘the one’, but we are the one. I am the one.

    Things I am scared of:
    – entering another relationship like my last one.
    – disrupting the balance that I have in my life

    Thanks for sharing your feelings.

    Pen x #Anythinggoes
    Pen recently posted…On heading towards middle age and my “prime”My Profile

    1. Those are the two things that I’m scared of! The balance in my life right now is great and I don’t want to disrupt it. Thanks so much for stopping by!😊

    1. Thank you! I get a lot of grief sometimes from some people wondering why I’m single. It’s about being happy though and being single for now is my happy. Thanks so much for stopping by!😊

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