I will not be posting my story this week because there is something else taking over my brain right now that I have to get off my chest. Stayed tuned next week for the next installment of The Vampire and The Zombie Hunter
Every year for the past five years I have struggled to find the spirit of Christmas within myself. Each year seems to get harder but I don’t really know why. I have some thoughts on this but I don’t know the root cause of my lack of holiday cheer. This year seems to be no different. I do have a few reasons why I’m not in the Christmas Spirit as of writing this though and I am going to share some of those with you.
Up until a few days ago I didn’t know whether or not I would have the money to buy Christmas gifts for my boys. I was really stressed out about this as I wasn’t sure if I’d even have enough to pay my bills. As luck seemed to be suddenly on my side, if only for a brief moment, I did end up paying all of my bills and still had some money leftover to give my boys another happy Christmas. You would think that that would be enough to get me in the Christmas spirit as I have gotten most of my shopping done for the holiday, but…
I still have to get my apartment in order. One of the best Christmas gifts I am getting this year is my sister and my niece coming to spend the holiday with me. This is the best news because since leaving Maryland, I haven’t spent a Christmas with any of my family in over 10 years and for it to be my favorite family member, I am over the moon about it! However….
Well, Friday afternoon Conner came off the bus crying his eyes out because some older kids have started bullying him again. Putting the Racist comment aside that I touched on in another post STAND FOR CHILDREN, one of those kids decided to threaten someone else with a stabbing so now my son is really afraid to ride the bus and I am absolutely FURIOUS that this is happening so I am making plans to speak with several school officials this week about this issue and about how we seem to keep ignoring it.
Then there were the terror attacks in California. 14 more people were killed in yet another terrorist attack and it sickens me. I like to stay positive because I love life and I love this beautiful planet that I live on. I love my kids and I want them to grow up in a decent world, a world much different from the awful crap I was forced to grow up with but it seems that the bad is
coming here and I have to worry about what this means for my boys.
Just seeing all of the tragedy, all of the chaos over the past year has taken it’s toll on me. Make no mistake, I am a fighter and will fight with everything I have in me if it comes down to it! I will protect my kids because that’s what I do. Every generation has it’s problems and terrorism seems to be ours. However, it isn’t fear that has me down in the dumps. It’s the hate! All of this hate that has been going around and seems to be getting worse is the thing that keeps me from feeling the Christmas Spirit.
I’ve gotten over my anger at the world for all of the wrongs done to me by people who were supposed to take care of me and love me. I’ve moved on from the hate and because of this, it hurts me to see everyone else in so much pain. The world is angry! The world is hurting and I feel a bit helpless in it all.
Yet, when I drive through town at night, there are barely any house lighting up the darkness with the beautiful twinkly lights that make me feel like I’m in a wonderland of glowing warmth. Yeah, the stores are decked out for Christmas but I haven’t felt like playing Christmas music in my car for the entire month and I haven’t watched any Christmas movies or even decorated yet.
With all of the sadness in the world today, I’m finding it difficult to enjoy my second favorite holiday but this weekend I plan to decorate and put up my tree. Maybe once I do that, I will start baking the cookies with my kids then I will want to enjoy the holiday and put off the bad feeling I’ve been having in my gut for the past three months.
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